Breaking Free

      They say it can happen to anyone. But I didn’t know that then.  I only knew that I felt afraid, terrified was more like it.  The thought of being anywhere other than in my house made me frantic with fear.

      I had just given birth to my first child and was home now for four weeks.  The pregnancy and delivery were free of complications.  I breast-fed and kept a reasonable schedule of activity and rest.  In fact, I stayed indoors most of the time, venturing outside only to use the clothesline.

            This custom thrived in Jamaica – maybe not so much now as then.  After childbirth, the mother stays indoors with the baby for at least six weeks, going out only if it’s absolutely necessary.  I never questioned the wisdom of the idea, I simply followed the tradition. 

      I had no name for what was happening to me.  It just came out of nowhere.  One day I was fine; the next day I realized I shook with fright at the thought of being outdoors.

      No one knew about my plight—not even my husband.  Like someone with paralysis, I seemed unable to reach out for help.   

      The fear increased with each day.  The thought of going to the store, a church service, or even the doctor’s office filled me with terror.  That terror grew more at the thought that I might encounter another human being “out there.”

      Then I realized I not only feared being outdoors—I actually feared contact with anyone who was not familiar.  I lived in constant dread of being involved in any new experiences, and avoided everything I thought might possibly lead to one.

      How can I get out of this?  My mind searched for a way out of this dilemma.

      Finally, in desperation I threw myself down on my bed one morning and said, “Lord, I’m afraid.”   A simple truth, but the words came from the depths of my soul with great intensity.

      Then the Holy Spirit gently spoke to my heart, “The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore.”   I recognized the words from Psalms 121:8.

     Instantly, the debilitating fear vanished and the peace of God came like a soothing balm.  The word of God stilled the raging of the storm in my soul.  I got up from the bed and embraced the day cheerful and confident, knowing that my life rested in the hands of my heavenly Father and I need not fear anything.

      It’s been many years now and I’m still free.  I can understand how in the beginning God changed the chaos of the earth into perfect order by the power of His word, because His word to me that day was “quick and powerful” and created the change I needed the moment I cried out to him for help.

© 2011 Phillippa Brown